I've been writing a lot lately. Thought I'd drop one of my most recent works on here to sort of "show off" what I've been doing..
Confessions of Zach OlunzDay OneWas a very tedious day, had a lot of errands and even more killings to do. Started my first day of work at the Schecter Building. Floor Three. Hall 2A. There’s something funny about working in a cubicle next to someone who smells so dirt nasty, you go to bathroom so much just to escape the smell that everyone in the office thinks you have OCD. It’s a nice office, lit well and smells a lot like my mother’s old shampoo.
I think that it will be just fine for my base of operations; the head of my empire of evil. I’ll start small, bobble heads made in my likeness; they’ll cover everyone’s desk. No one will question the sheer brilliance of it because it is brilliant! Maybe next step is to replace all phones with raw meat. I have a plan for the perfect world, and in my mind, it’ll be great, like a lemon flavored sugar wave, spewing over a Hershey mountain.
Back to business, my boss is a prick. He walks around like he has a better half of a buffalo stuck up his ass. He pops his head (which must weigh over 47 lbs) over the grey wall of my cubicle, asking how I’m enjoying the place. I think he did it 3.8 times. He’s sloppy and carries himself like an over used knapsack. No doubt he covers his lips in a sugar glaze to give him that gentle aura of gluttony. When I’ve taken this place over, he’ll be my mailman.
There’s an interesting subject down the hall from me though. Stan seems to understand my plight. Too long have I stayed in the lime light alone, I believe that he will be my accomplice in my destiny. When the world is controlled by my iron body and unshakeable resolve, I’ll be sure to carve a piece just for him. He claims to collect human feathers, and knows a thing or two about how to talk to paper bags before they’ve even left their shrink wrap. He’s a good man, knows his stuff, and shows great promise. Once I teach him the basics of how to recut quarters, I’ll start taking him out with me.
Maria, the bitch that works next to me, has got to have something wrong with her skull that prevents her from acting normal. I saw her drinking water today like a goldfish at PetSmart. She had a rotten grin, and I’m almost certain that her jaw is completely false. I’m going to find out if she drives a Pinto, then rear end her with a Mack truck going 45 in a 20. It all started when she said, “Hope you’re enjoying things here, and if you have any questions, give me a holler, I’ll just be over the wall!” When she wailed her siren laugh at me, I knew she was belittling me. Mocking me, saying that I could not do the work set in front of me by these… lab rats. There was a box with her name on it in the dumpster by the parking lot. I lit it on fire before I left for the day.
Best Buy, my next stop in a relaxed day. I always get accosted by the man in yellow when I walk in, “Hello, Welcome to Best Buy,” he says to me in that coy accent that I can’t quite make out. It’s a mixture of my own voice, but clearly not my voice. I ignored the fly and continued through my perusal of the goods. A small heavier boy shuffled past me at an extreme speed. He was breathing heavily, and chasing after two other young men. His bright red shirt stood out amongst his dab pants and sparkling Air Jordans. He yelled out, “Poop stains!” as he tried to catch up. Moving deeper into the materialistic cauldron, I stopped by the DVD section. The “Sale of the Week” section always caught my eye whenever I walked in. I picked up three great movies, Battlefield Earth, Kazaam, and Gigli. Something about watching amazing acting always brings me to tears in the dead of the night. Typically, I’ll watch these movies with a nice bread butter and celery sandwich, with a can of olives.
Distractions in the DVD isle blew me off course from my real prize. I reached the home appliances section without a second to lose, shoving over an old lady who was looking at old Frank Sinatra albums, and blowing past a 40 year old man glancing at Britney Spears tapes. I think I’ll turn Best Buy into a factory when I rule everything, it’ll pump out teddy bears that explode when hugged hard enough. A soccer mom was shopping for a refrigerator, and was going about it in a very snotty way. She was asking the Best Buy employee such simple questions such as, “How much power does it take to run,” or “Will this be big enough for a family of five?” She was asking all the wrong questions! She should’ve asked if the ‘fridge had the capacity to freeze pure liquid nitrogen! OR if it had compartments for knives, guns, and an assortment of home-made projective devices that can be shot from a bungee cord. Shoving her cart aside, I got what I had come here for.
I proceeded to the register and paid for my purchase. The cashier asked “credit or debit,” I told him it wasn’t the size that counts, but where you’re going when you run. He stared at me blankly, obviously dumb founded by my knowledge and wisdom that far surpassed his own. As I was walking out the door, the alarms sounded, I almost sprang into action when the man in yellow accosted me again. He asked for me receipt, made a squiggle on it and put me on my way. Roughly eighteen feet from the door, I realized I had gotten away with it. Little did he know that I had a 42 in. wide screen in my back pocket.
I took the freshly bought toaster out of its box and smashed it on the ground. What a perfect ending to a perplexed day.
